It's good to have goals and something to shoot for, but when they begin to overwhelm you, maybe it's time to step back.  Are your goals taking over the moment?

You may have goals for every area of your life. You focus on goals for your health, career, spiritual growth and your relationship.  
As for your relationship, if your goal is to get a commitment from your man, you may be standing in the way of just letting it happen.  

When you sit down and right out a list of goals, you may include action steps and things that have to happen in order for you to reach those goals.  You may also include deadlines.  

But remember that life is not just a series of action steps.  Remember that life is about
people, and in your case, that special guy who you want to share your life with.  

If you are so focused on achieving the goal of getting a commitment, then you may be forcing and even blocking the results from coming your way.  Most people today believe that things don't happen unless you make them happen. While that's not always a bad thing, it just doesn't always work in every situation, especially in relationships and matters of the heart.  

Also, by forcing an outcome, you may be losing touch with your light and fun side.  By trying to force your man to make a decision about something he not ready for, or not sure that he wants right now, your forced outcome may turn out to be more bitter than sweet.

A commitment must come from deep feelings within your guy.  These deep feelings cannot usually be forced according to the schedule on your goal list.  

Not only that, but you tend to become so freaked out and anxious when it doesn't look like you're going to meet your goal deadline, that you become worried, stressed out and even depressed.  The harder you try to force something, the more it usually eludes you.  

You can become so focused on the end result and frustrated because you're not getting there, while in the meantime missing all kinds of beautiful and intimate moments along the journey to a commitment.  

With goals taking over the moment, you are not really listening to your guy when he talks.  When you go out together, your mind may be racing with thoughts of a commitment,
instead of enjoying a few good laughs and a nice dinner with some simple, intimate conversation, with no ulterior motives running on auto pilot through the back of your mind.

When your goals and thoughts of the end result are the primary thoughts in your mind, you are present physically, but not emotionally.  Don't think your guy won't be able to sense your distraction or distance.  

If you can just let go of goals and results, you will find yourself more relaxed, happier and really able to connect deeply and intimately with your man.  You will be able to have fun again.

Goals are great and we all need to have them.  However, goals that are taking over and ruling all of your thoughts and actions in the relationship is not at all where you want to

You will be cheating yourself out of so much enjoyment that may be right there in your relationship that you cannot see because your mind is elsewhere.  

By living in the moment instead of goals taking over the moment, your man will love the fact that suddenly, you are 100% present in the time you share with him.  

He'll be able to tell the difference, and you'll be able to feel it in the connection with your guy.

What is the connection between gut feelings and commitment? For your man, it is everything. When your man is ready to make a commitment to you, he has to get some strong gut feelings that the timing is right.

You can be a perfect couple. You can be crazy about each other and have an intimate connection. However, if your guy doesn't feel it - in his head and especially in his gut - then he won't make a real commitment to you until that happens. When the timing is right for him, he will begin to feel the need, and even suggest the idea, for a commitment.

How do you know where he is in the timing of it all?

If you've been together for some time, and don't see any movement toward a commitment, then look for some clues he is putting out there for guidance. These clues can tell you where he is in relationship to his goals.

For example, if he wants to climb a mountain and is really focused on climbing a mountain, he may feel like he hasn't lived until he climbs a mountain. If your goal is to climb a mountain with him, great. But if it isn't, then he may feel like he needs to accomplish this goal before he can even think about settling down into the next stage of his life, or make a commitment to someone.

This can apply to any goals he has set for himself. They may be career or financial goals. He may be waiting to land the job of his dreams. He may need to have a cherry red convertible or a motorcycle. Whatever it is that he feels he really needs to do for himself, that is what he will be focusing on more so than a commitment. Until he’s ready, he will put himself first.

Sometimes men feel like they may be missing out on something, especially if they are in a relationship. If he is not sure that he's in love with you, and wondering if you are really the one, then there are still unresolved issues in his head and his gut that need to be worked out before he can make that deep commitment to you.

As discussed in this post, when that light turns to ‘go’ and he knows he's ready for a commitment, then that will be his focus, and his goal will be to settle down and take a wife.

How do you know when that commitment light is about to change to green?

Be sure to talk to your guy about basic interests and goals that are important to each of you. You need to have some common ground ideas and goals for a long-term relationship to work well.

You don't have to agree on everything, but there should be underlying beliefs and issues that you both share. If that's the case, and you do share common goals, then listen to what your guy is saying in terms of his finances, career, education and how he feels he's doing in accomplishing the things he has set out to do.

If he's making good progress and crossing things of his bucket list, then the chances of him coming to the realization that he's not missing anything and all you do is make his life better, the odds of him nearing a commitment are very good.

If you sense frustration, disappointment or just lack of being where he thought he would be, either verbally or emotionally, then you can better gauge where he stands on the commitment issue, and he probably won’t be very close.

The connection between gut feelings and commitment for your guy is very basic, but a crucial deciding factor in his timing and willingness to commit.

You've probably heard of corporate team building, right? 

The idea is to get a group of employees and managers out together to participate in various activities, while at the same time, building and improving on issues ranging anywhere from trust to better communication.

Why not try some team building for your relationship?

Not that you have to come out and tell your guy specifically that you'll be working on team building, but definitely think about putting together a list of things that the two of you can work together on as a team.  

Team building works because it gives specific responsibilities to each person, and the goal cannot be achieved without each member of the team completing their part of the project. 
The end result is a goal achieved, a project completed and the satisfaction that comes from a job well done.  

What team building also does is to give the opportunity to depend on and support each other to get the job done.  There is a bond that forms from doing things together as a team.  Whenever two people go through an experience together, it creates memories and draws the two of you into a closer relationship.  

Some examples of team building for your relationship include cooking meals, washing/drying the dishes, painting or remodeling a home, shopping, building something or yardwork.  

It doesn't have to cost a lot to get some great team building activities going, and you may even be doing this already without even realizing it.  

By depending on each other to finish the parts of the project you are responsible for, and then putting it together at the end, results in the completion of a project or job that you can both feel proud of. High fives and hugs are encouraged!

If you're looking for ways to spend more time together, and do a bit of team building for your relationship in the process, come up with some ideas of projects around the house and ask your guy if he'd like to help you out with whatever it is.  Explain your vision for the idea and ask for his suggestions as to how to make it better.  Then sit down and divide up the tasks so you can each contribute to the project.  

You'd be amazed at the great conversations that come up while you are relaxed and focused on completing your tasks. Projects such as cooking meals tend to bring up memories of past
experiences.  You and your guy can share stories about baking cookies with mom when you were kids, or a favorite meal that you loved when you were little that you haven't had in forever.  

These are the moments that make you feel close and secure, forming a deeper bond between the two of you.  All of this from chopping onions.  Who knew?

Take the time to think of ways you can work on some team building for your relationship. 
Even small projects can lead to big connections with your man.

What is the secret to having great conversations with your man?  Is he really listening to you
and more importantly, are you really listening to him? 

One of the basic skills you need to master for a strong, committed relationship is how to communicate effectively.

When you have great conversations with your man, you develop an intimate connection with him.  You learn what he likes, what he hates and how he feels about everything, including

The best way to start a conversation is to find some common ground.  Get the conversation
started by asking him questions about things he likes.  Get to really know him by asking more questions and letting what he tells you really soak in.  The secret to great conversations is doing more of the listening than talking.  

Conversations are also a great way to find out what you may be saying or doing that is preventing the two of you from having great conversations.  By paying attention to this information, you can avoid these things in the future in order to have better and more productive conversations.

For example, do you interrupt him?  Finish his sentences?  Speak for him?  Roll your eyes when he talks?  Keep checking your watch?  Take a call on your cell phone?  Argue with him?  Always have to be right? 

If you listen to what he’s telling you –things that you might not even be aware of - you'll be able to discover what you may be doing to prevent great conversations.  

If you are too busy talking or always having to win an argument, you will be missing important things that would come up in conversation that you could use to negotiate compromises to many, many things in your relationship.  If you can pick up on his body language and read between the lines to discover things that he might be implying instead of coming right out and saying, it will put you light years ahead in the time it may take to secure a commitment from him.

When a man is talking, he likes it when he knows you're really tuning in and listening.  By giving him your attention, you make him feel important and secure in the relationship.  

How much more do you think he'll be willing to share with you if he knows that no matter he has to say, you will not laugh at him, judge him or criticize him?  The more secure he feels in being able to pour out his heart, soul and dreams to you, the more intimate and connected the two of you can be.  

Leave the ego and need to be right all the time at the door when you want to have a great conversation with your man because if you put him in a defensive position every time he's about to open his mouth, he will not want to have a lot of in-depth conversations with you.

Listen with your heart if you want to really get your man to open up.  You don't need to have a scheduled, hour long“talk time” every day, but when you do want to talk, it should be easy for your man to actively participate in the conversation.  

To have great conversations with your man, don't bring up things that have bothered you in the past.  Let the past go.  If you keep bringing up past mistakes and arguments, it won't take long for the conversation to go badly and more than likely, end up in yet another argument.  

When you have an argument, which all couples do, what you want is to make your point and let him make his, without resorting to name-calling, letting things become heated, making remarks out of anger that can never be taken back, etc.  

It seems like it's much easier to talk to each other when the relationship is new and maybe the love goggles are still on. It's after getting more comfortable and you've been together for a while that great conversations seem to get fewer and farther between.  

Much like affection, it takes effort to have great conversations and make the time for them.  For openers, remember things that are going on with him and ask for details at the end of the day. Bring up things that you know he's interested in like the football draft or get his opinion on some bizarre story in the news today.

Take the time and watch for those opportunities to have great conversations with your man.  

The warm fuzzy feeling you get from a great conversation is just one sign of connecting on a deeper level, and one step closer to getting a commitment from him.
As a basic human need, the role of affection in a relationship is vitally important.  

Believe it or not, men need and crave affection from their
partners.  Without it, a serious gaping hole can form and grow in an otherwise decent relationship. 

All of us want to feel loved and appreciated; and showing affection is a great way to express these things and more.

The role of affection in a relationship is like icing on the cake.  It keeps the two of you close, intimate and forms a deep, trusting bond.  If you're looking for a committed relationship, affection is an absolute must.  

You may have heard the expression “the object of my affection."  What this means is that the "object" (hopefully your man in this case) is on the receiving end of your undivided attention, care, concern, intimate – and sometimes playful or spontaneous - gestures to show him that you love him.  

You can tell him you love him, but if you show him, your actions can sometimes speak much louder than words.  

You don't have to spend a dime to show your affection for him.  Free forms of affection that
are worth much more than money include hand-holding, a warm smile, a back rub, or a hug, just to name a few.  

What these affectionate gestures say to your man is that you love him, support him, care for him, and will be there for him. You don't have to say a word to show affection.  

Men may show their affection for you by remembering special occasions such as your anniversary or birthday by bringing you beautiful flowers, taking you out to your favorite restaurant or surprising you with tickets to see your favorite band.  

Doesn’t it make you feel great when he is showing genuine affection for you?  This is
something you can feel on a deep level, and when you return affection, he can feel it, too.

Without affection in the relationship, focus is placed on anything and everything other than him.  He may feel neglected and unimportant to you, or that you just don’t want him around.  There may also be feelings of distance, coldness, loneliness, emptiness and a lack of

It is so important to show affection to your man.  He probably won't come out and ask for it, but will certainly feel it missing from your relationship and begin to crave it.  Be aware that if he doesn't get the attention or affection he needs from you, he may begin to look for it elsewhere.  

When you are affectionate with your guy, you are telling him that he is important to you.  It
makes him feel good, secure and comfortable with the relationship.  Affection is like a stamp of approval from you and satisfies an important emotional basic human need.

If you're too busy for him or always put him last on your list, your relationship will suffer.  He
will become distant and emotionally detached.  This is the beginning of what could snowball into huge intimacy and communication issues, and certainly determine how committed he will be to you.

So, make the time to be affectionate with him.  The role of affection in a relationship is like strong glue that can keep the two of you together.

Take the very next opportunity to take your guy by surprise with an unexpected kiss, hug or sexy wink.  You'll love the renewed energy a little affection can give to your relationship!

So, your man finally proposed after what seemed like an eternity, but now, things don't feel right.  Girl gives back ring?

When you have your heart set on spending the rest of your life with your man, you have finally gotten a commitment, and now, something isn't quite right.  You need to figure
out what the issues are now before walking down that aisle.

Maybe your guy felt like he HAD to break down and make a commitment to you because you had been talking about leaving or making things uncomfortable for him while your relationship didn't seem to be going anywhere.  

It could be that he's been feeling pressure from you, your family, friends and lots of other comments and questions about when he's going to "make it legal."  He might figure that he'll just get it over with to stop all the questions and pressure.  After all, he can always back out before the wedding, right?

This kind of a “commitment” is not real, and it’s really not worth waiting for or believing in.

When he's just going along to get along, then his head and heart are not into the true commitment you need in a long-term relationship or a marriage.  

Pressuring someone into making a commitment just doesn't produce the longlasting results and along the way.  There tend to be more problems, serious issues and ultimate break-ups than there needs to be.  Taking the time to cultivate a strong, serious and heartfelt commitment from the beginning is a worthwhile investment in your relationship that will pay
dividends long  into the future.

What you want is for your man to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you are the woman he needs and wants to spend the rest of his life with.  No one needs to make him
feel guilt or pressure to make that next move toward a commitment.  In fact, it will be his idea.  

When you enter a commitment on those terms, then you know that this man will be deeply committed to you on every level. If you can't get that kind of commitment, are you really sure you want to proceed?  

If you have a deep and intimate trust and connection with each other and it feels right to be together, you both need to feel that way.  If you don't, you will probably not get anything near that “made-for-each-other” commitment that you are longing for.

Once you become engaged and feel immediate resistance or distance developing between the two of you, the reason might just be that he’s really not as into it as you are.

Even though he did what he thought everyone wanted him to do, and might even go through with the wedding, his heart needs to be into it long before the ring goes on your finger.  

You don't want to get a half-hearted commitment just for the satisfaction of finally getting one.  

It is so much more worthwhile to know and feel on a very deep level that your sweetheart is really in love with you and can't wait to commit to you for a lifetime.  Now that is what you are waiting for.  

By getting in sync with him so you permeate every cell in his body and soul, that is when the commitment you get will be heartfelt and real. 

You can learn how to change your relationship status from girl gives back ring to girl gets ring with a real commitment involved. Isn’t that more like it?
If you feel emotional distance coming between you and your guy, learn how to win your boyfriend back before you actually split up.  

If the two of you are still physically together, but there is an unmistakable feeling that you are growing apart, why wait until the relationship actually ends to take action?  You can start working on mending the problems that are causing distance between the two of you before you actually go your separate ways.

Maybe you can't exactly pinpoint what the difference is, but you can sense that things between you and your man aren't quite right.  You may feel like he's pulling away from you or is acting differently toward you. Maybe you do or say something that used to make him laugh, but lately, he's not laughing.  Perhaps he used to want to spend all kinds of his time with you, but now he either wants to just relax and watch TV or go out with his friends instead.  It could be a lot of little things that you didn't pay much attention to at first, but now you have an undeniable feeling that things are going in the wrong direction. You just don’t
feel as close to him as you used to.

At times like these, most women tend to feel like this is due to something they did or didn't do.  Wondering what you did wrong is typically the first response.  

The more you tend to feel him slipping away, the harder you may try to hold on and force things to go back to the way they were before.  By doing this, you can have even more problems than you started with.  

You have the problem of feeling like your man is becoming more distant or is losing interest in you, and then the more you try to make him come back from wherever it is he has gone to, you feel him pulling away even more.

What you really want to know is how to win your boyfriend back before he physically leaves you.  The time to start figuring out and fixing the issues is now.  You want to try to get back to that place you were before when you could talk easily about anything, enjoy spending time with each other and really felt like you had a deep and intimate connection.  

The first thing you need to do is to tune in to your man.  Start to pay closer attention to what
he says and his reactions to things you do and say.  Sometimes, you may be doing things without even realizing that he is having a problem with it.  

If you two are constantly arguing, how do you handle the arguments?  Is the tone of your
arguments, or even conversations at this point, filled with anger, accusations and personal attacks?  Have you stopped doing nice or thoughtful things for one another?  Is your man feeling like things in the relationship are all about you and is feeling like he has to make all the sacrifices?  Does everything have to be your way or the highway?  

Be brutally honest with yourself about the current health of your relationship.  It could be
that he's just going through a phase of being unsure if he's ready for a commitment, or even unsure of his feelings for you.  It could be fear of how his life will change or if he feels ready to take care of a wife and eventually, kids.

You need to be able to give him the space he may need during this time to sort out his feelings.  If you don't pressure him or back him into a corner with ultimatums or insults, your chances of winning back the intimacy, trust and closeness of your man are a lot more favorable.  

Being able to let go of controlling the relationship and his feelings will give you the freedom to sort out your own feelings and decide what is important to you.  

By giving him space, you will also be showing him that you have your own interests and life to live, whether or not he chooses to share it with you.  That is a very powerful message for him to understand.

By pulling back a bit instead of pushing him for answers or changes in his behavior will give both of you the space and time you need to get through the issues.  

When your guy sees that you are not on a mission to change him, pressure him into a commitment or become a soul mate, he may just decide he wants all of these things.  There
is nothing that a man loves more than a woman who is independent, supportive and secure enough to get through these relationship rough spots without threats, demands or a meltdown. 

Believe it or not, giving him the chance to work through things on his own will help make him realize how much he wants – and needs - a woman like you in his life.  How much faster and easier do you think it would be to get his attention and take him off guard than by simply leaving him to get through things on his own?

Showing him your strength and independent side is an important factor as to how to win your boyfriend back, even if he has just left emotionally.  You can catch it in the emotional stage before it turns into a physical break up. 

One of the key things you can do to regain intimacy is to let him go just enough so he can come back to you.
Only you can answer this question, but before you do, you want to be sure you’re looking at the whole picture in the right way.

Are you making a mistake by waiting for him?  It is not a clear, cut and dried question because odds are, you’ve already invested a lot of blood, sweat and tears into the

If you’re wondering if you are just wasting your time, start by doing some serious soul-searching and asking yourself some tough questions.

If you have been in an exclusive relationship for a long period of time, even years in some cases, and there is no indication that things are progressing to a deeper level of commitment, it might be time to figure out whether or not the relationship is worth waiting

There are signs that things may move to the next level like if your guy talks about his future and indicates that you are in it. That is a good sign, but if that's the case, then why don't you have a ring on your finger?  What is it that he needs or is waiting for? 

Since there is no set amount of time for him to propose, you begin to wonder how long is too long?  What is the cut-off date?  How long should you be expected to wait?

At some point, these thoughts will cross your mind, especially if you are tired of things the way they are and really ready to get married.

Have you ever talked about the future?  About starting a family?  About the dream house you'd like to share one day?  It can sure be disheartening when you try to delicately bring up these subjects and you are met with stone cold silence or some other kind of bewildered

The last thing you want to do is to make excuses for him or believe on some level that "he doesn't mean it" when he says he's not interested in getting married, or just doesn’t take you seriously when you hint around that you’d like to get married.

It is usually fear that keeps us stuck in habits and places.  There is a fear that you've invested so much of your time in this relationship and are afraid to start all over from
scratch.  Then the what-if's set in.  What if you can’t meet anyone?  What if you’re too old to have children if and when you do meet someone?  What if you leave and then he decides to get married, but finds someone else?  What if he just really doesn’t love you?

This fear is what can keep us from really looking at the current state of the relationship and where it is going in the future.

Now there are things you can do to make him commit without making or forcing him to do anything he doesn't want to do.  It's all about your mindset, attitude and actions that will make the difference. Also, having the ability to pick up on what he's really saying, or discovering the pieces of the puzzle that are missing can make understanding this process
much easier.

Have you ever met a guy who made it very clear that he wanted to get married and start a family?  These guys have a mission to accomplish.  They are ready, willing and able to settle down immediately if not sooner, and simply need to meet the woman they believe is the one.

My husband was one of those guys.  Obviously, I felt a very strong connection to him and just loved spending time with him.  He kept asking me to marry him and I would just laugh, thinking that he was kidding, because we had been dating for less than a year.  Finally, he asked me again and when I laughed, he made sure I understood that he was serious.  

To be honest, I really didn't know what to say because it was way too easy.  I didn't do anything.  I hadn't even been thinking about marriage (for a change).  Why was he so determined to get married?  How could this be right?  Wasn't it supposed to be much harder than that?

That is the difference.  When he decides he's ready and you are the one, it will all
naturally fall into place without you having to “make” him do anything.

But if he doesn't feel it, or something is going on with you that makes him unsure about a deeper commitment, is the time when you have to take a look at the relationship and decide what you want.  Is there untapped potential that is worth waiting for?

If you don't pick up on his signals or "get" what the hold-up is, then you can expect to
spend a lot more time waiting for him, and becoming increasingly fearful and discouraged.

If you feel like you might be making a mistake by waiting for him, start by trying to take your fears out of it for a minute. Decide what it is that you want and then pay attention to what he's really saying or doing so you can better direct your future.  A future complete with a
deep, loving commitment from your man.


In a relationship, there can be a fine line between dependence versus commitment.  Is there a difference?  You bet there is. 

If you are looking for a serious, committed relationship, your dependence on the relationship may be blocking the
commitment from taking place.

When you meet the man that you feel is the one and things are progressing nicely up until a point, could it be your dependence on the relationship and your man that is preventing things from going to a more committed level?  In other words, do you live for your man, his needs and above all things, being in the relationship?  

If you feel like you can't make a move without your man, you may have become far too dependent on him.  If you never see your friends or never do things you used to enjoy doing,
then maybe you've grown too dependent on the relationship. Not that you should go out after work every night or go on trips every weekend with your friends, but there should be a nice mix of independence and commitment to your mate.

Let me tell you that most men really don't like it when women can't seem to make a move or decision without them.  Most guys like it when their ladies maintain their own self-identity,
unless he’s completely possessive and jealous, which you don’t need in a relationship anyway.

You know you may be too dependent on the relationship if your fella is always encouraging you to go out and do things with your friends. 

You may be too dependent on the relationship if you start to completely freak out if your guy doesn't immediately call or text your back.  

If you start to panic when things seem different, or he seems distant, you may be too dependent on your guy.  

If you do nothing but talk about you and your man, dwell on your issues or arguments, and just seem to be consumed with your relationship, it may be time to step back.

If you are hurt when your guy wants to do something with his friends or doesn't include you in everything, it's a sign of dependence.  

If your guy starts talking about "slowing things down," or "taking a break," and you have a complete meltdown, you are probably too dependent on him.  

If your mood is dependent on if you two are getting along or not, you guessed it, it's a sign of dependence. 

It is so important that you keep doing things you like to do and keep in touch with your girlfriends.  Don’t be afraid to go out and have fun for yourself.  

It's not a good idea to revolve your life so completely around someone else because if the relationship ends, you will be devastated or bitter, lose your self-confidence and/or be consumed with the thought of getting that guy back no matter what.  This is when you may do or say things you will ultimately regret and in some cases, drive him away even more.  

A committed relationship is based on a connection on several levels.  It is based on mutual
respect, trust and a genuine love for the other person. Respect, trust and love cannot grow in a dependent relationship because if things are not going just the way you want them to, or your man isn't doing what you want him to be doing, you will constantly be upset and trying to control the situation.  

On the other hand, if you have independence, the chance of getting that deep commitment from your man is far more possible. 

He knows that you are quite happy doing your own thing.  He realizes that you have your own interests and needs.  He understands that you don't need him to provide constant attention or reassurance in order for you to get through the day.  

A nice balance of keeping your own interests makes you way more appealing to him.  He should come to understand that even if the relationship falls apart, you won't, because you
are strong, confident and independent.  

Not that you don't need him because in certain ways you do.  But just not to the point where all you focus on is him and your relationship.  

Remember the differences between dependence and commitment.  Check to see if you can become more independent and self-sufficient in certain areas, while remaining faithfully committed to your man.




If you are to the point in your relationship where you feel you may have to issue an ultimatum to know where you stand, be prepared to deal with the fallout when ultimatums backfire.  

Issuing an ultimatum is generally not a good idea because things may not go as you would like them to.  No one likes to be backed into a corner to make a major life decision within a certain period of time, and most of the time, this can mean the end of your relationship.  

Your dilemma may be that you're in what you feel is a committed relationship, but there is no sign of the relationship leading to marriage.  If you've been in the relationship for years now with no sign of a deeper, more serious commitment, you may feel frustrated enough to either want a more permanent deal or to find out what your future holds for the two of you.  

Be very careful with your next step because you may need to prepare yourself for the relationship to end or never be the same again.  

In the best case scenario, you want a deeper commitment to come from your man and have it be his idea.  There are things you can do to help this process along, but we can address that in another post.  

You should think this through carefully and have a specific plan in place.  Don't issue an ultimatum during an argument or when you are angry because you are almost guaranteed bad results.  

First, think about the worst case scenario, that being your guy tells you that he won't get married and to “do what you have to do.”  Think about how that would make you feel because it's a real possibility it might happen.  In this case, you might feel like you've wasted your time on someone who never really loved you in the first place, if he would rather let you go than marry you. 

When an ultimatum backfires, you might regret backing him into a corner in the first place, because you really love him and don't want the relationship to end.  Now what?  You’ve said something to him that you can never take back.  Backtracking out of an ultimatum is well, awkward at best.

The bottom line is to imagine what you would do if your man did in fact decide to end the relationship.  Are you prepared for that?  Where would you go?  Are you willing to give up the semi-security of what you know you have in the hopes of finding someone else who is willing to make your relationship a permanent one?

At a recent get-together, my friend and I were being introduced to some people we had never met.  The hostess introduced me as "Scott's wife," and then turns to my friend and stammered through her introduction.  My friend finally held out her hand and said, "I'm no one's wife."  

The problem is that my friend has been together with her man for almost five years.  They have lived together and even had a daughter together.  Every time I see her, she brings up the fact that she wants to get married so badly, but her guy is not interested in sealing the deal. He even makes jokes about it when he wants to get her to do something for him, he'll say, "If you do this for me, I might propose."  She actually breaks down and cries when he does this because she really wants to get married and here he is making jokes about it.  

Later in the evening, she was telling me that she doesn't know what to do because it just doesn't look like he'll ever marry her and she is tired of it.  I asked her why she didn't start thinking about moving on with her life if he doesn't feel like she's the one, and then she had all kinds of excuses why she couldn't do that.  I get that because she does really love him and has her daughter to worry about, but she is becoming increasingly unhappy and that cannot be doing the relationship any good.  In reality, I think she is afraid that if she did issue him an ultimatum, it would backfire and the relationship would be over.  I don't think she's
willing to run that risk.  

If you feel like you are, have a plan in place and be prepared for anything to happen.

When an ultimatum backfires, you might not want the relationship to end so you take back your words, or say you were just joking to see what he would say.  If you put an ultimatum
out there, even if you say it in a joking manner, this will register with your man as pressure from you.  All kinds of interesting things could happen from that point on, including him
pulling away from you emotionally or treating you differently. 

If you issue an ultimatum and then back down and don't follow through on what you say you will do if he doesn't give you a more serious commitment, you will appear like someone who talks tough, but then doesn't take action.  

You will give up a lot of leverage in the relationship by backing down and just settling for him calling the shots.  He will be in the driver's seat, knowing that you might say you'll leave him if you don't get married, but will then just continue with things the way they are and stay.  Your credibility is shot, and your words mean nothing.  

It's kind of like having a child and warning your child that if he doesn't do something, he will be grounded for a week. The child doesn't do whatever you asked him to, and then you don't follow through on the punishment.  Even a child knows that he has the upper hand here and that with you, even though you talked about a punishment, nothing happened at the end of the day.  He will then continue to test those waters and get away with as much as he can because after all, more than likely nothing bad will happen anyway.  No consequences to worry about because you really don’t mean what you say.

Again, be prepared to follow through on what you say you're going to do.  If you say that you
are going to leave if there isn't a marriage soon, then be prepared to do it.  That's why you should tread those ultimatum waters very carefully.

The biggest thing to mull over when an ultimatum backfires is whether you are interested in saving face by following through with what you say you will do, or saving the relationship. 
If saving your relationship is priority #1, then you may want to come up with another way to get that serious commitment without ultimatums.  

Watch the video here at the How to Make Him Commit website for some better alternatives.