As a basic human need, the role of affection in a relationship is vitally important.
Believe it or not, men need and crave affection from their
partners. Without it, a serious gaping hole can form and grow in an otherwise decent relationship.
All of us want to feel loved and appreciated; and showing affection is a great way to express these things and more.
The role of affection in a relationship is like icing on the cake. It keeps the two of you close, intimate and forms a deep, trusting bond. If you're looking for a committed relationship, affection is an absolute must.
You may have heard the expression “the object of my affection." What this means is that the "object" (hopefully your man in this case) is on the receiving end of your undivided attention, care, concern, intimate – and sometimes playful or spontaneous - gestures to show him that you love him.
You can tell him you love him, but if you show him, your actions can sometimes speak much louder than words.
You don't have to spend a dime to show your affection for him. Free forms of affection that
are worth much more than money include hand-holding, a warm smile, a back rub, or a hug, just to name a few.
What these affectionate gestures say to your man is that you love him, support him, care for him, and will be there for him. You don't have to say a word to show affection.
Men may show their affection for you by remembering special occasions such as your anniversary or birthday by bringing you beautiful flowers, taking you out to your favorite restaurant or surprising you with tickets to see your favorite band.
Doesn’t it make you feel great when he is showing genuine affection for you? This is
something you can feel on a deep level, and when you return affection, he can feel it, too.
Without affection in the relationship, focus is placed on anything and everything other than him. He may feel neglected and unimportant to you, or that you just don’t want him around. There may also be feelings of distance, coldness, loneliness, emptiness and a lack of
It is so important to show affection to your man. He probably won't come out and ask for it, but will certainly feel it missing from your relationship and begin to crave it. Be aware that if he doesn't get the attention or affection he needs from you, he may begin to look for it elsewhere.
When you are affectionate with your guy, you are telling him that he is important to you. It
makes him feel good, secure and comfortable with the relationship. Affection is like a stamp of approval from you and satisfies an important emotional basic human need.
If you're too busy for him or always put him last on your list, your relationship will suffer. He
will become distant and emotionally detached. This is the beginning of what could snowball into huge intimacy and communication issues, and certainly determine how committed he will be to you.
So, make the time to be affectionate with him. The role of affection in a relationship
is like strong glue that can keep the two of you together.
Take the very next opportunity to take your guy by surprise with an unexpected kiss, hug or sexy wink. You'll love the renewed energy a little affection can give to your relationship!
So, your man finally proposed after what seemed like an eternity, but now, things don't feel right. Girl gives back ring?
When you have your heart set on spending the rest of your life with your man, you have finally gotten a commitment, and now, something isn't quite right. You need to figure
out what the issues are now before walking down that aisle.
Maybe your guy felt like he HAD to break down and make a commitment to you because you had been talking about leaving or making things uncomfortable for him while your relationship didn't seem to be going anywhere.
It could be that he's been feeling pressure from you, your family, friends and lots of other comments and questions about when he's going to "make it legal." He might figure that he'll just get it over with to stop all the questions and pressure. After all, he can always back out before the wedding, right?
This kind of a “commitment” is not real, and it’s really not worth waiting for or believing in.
When he's just going along to get along, then his head and heart are not into the true commitment you need in a long-term relationship or a marriage.
Pressuring someone into making a commitment just doesn't produce the longlasting results and along the way. There tend to be more problems, serious issues and ultimate break-ups than there needs to be. Taking the time to cultivate a strong, serious and heartfelt commitment from the beginning is a worthwhile investment in your relationship that will pay
dividends long into the future.
What you want is for your man to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you are the woman he needs and wants to spend the rest of his life with. No one needs to make him
feel guilt or pressure to make that next move toward a commitment. In fact, it will be his idea.
When you enter a commitment on those terms, then you know that this man will be deeply committed to you on every level. If you can't get that kind of commitment, are you really sure you want to proceed?
If you have a deep and intimate trust and connection with each other and it feels right to be together, you both need to feel that way. If you don't, you will probably not get anything near that “made-for-each-other” commitment that you are longing for.
Once you become engaged and feel immediate resistance or distance developing between the two of you, the reason might just be that he’s really not as into it as you are.
Even though he did what he thought everyone wanted him to do, and might even go through with the wedding, his heart needs to be into it long before the ring goes on your finger.
You don't want to get a half-hearted commitment just for the satisfaction of finally getting one.
It is so much more worthwhile to know and feel on a very deep level that your sweetheart is really in love with you and can't wait to commit to you for a lifetime. Now that is what you are waiting for.
By getting in sync with him so you permeate every cell in his body and soul, that is when the commitment you get will be heartfelt and real.
You can learn how to change your relationship status from girl gives back ring to girl gets ring
with a real commitment involved. Isn’t that more like it?
If you feel emotional distance coming between you and your guy, learn how to win your boyfriend back before you actually split up.
If the two of you are still physically together, but there is an unmistakable feeling that you are growing apart, why wait until the relationship actually ends to take action? You can start working on mending the problems that are causing distance between the two of you before you actually go your separate ways.
Maybe you can't exactly pinpoint what the difference is, but you can sense that things between you and your man aren't quite right. You may feel like he's pulling away from you or is acting differently toward you. Maybe you do or say something that used to make him laugh, but lately, he's not laughing. Perhaps he used to want to spend all kinds of his time with you, but now he either wants to just relax and watch TV or go out with his friends instead. It could be a lot of little things that you didn't pay much attention to at first, but now you have an undeniable feeling that things are going in the wrong direction. You just don’t
feel as close to him as you used to.
At times like these, most women tend to feel like this is due to something they did or didn't do. Wondering what you did wrong is typically the first response.
The more you tend to feel him slipping away, the harder you may try to hold on and force things to go back to the way they were before. By doing this, you can have even more problems than you started with.
You have the problem of feeling like your man is becoming more distant or is losing interest in you, and then the more you try to make him come back from wherever it is he has gone to, you feel him pulling away even more.
What you really want to know is how to win your boyfriend back before he physically leaves you. The time to start figuring out and fixing the issues is now. You want to try to get back to that place you were before when you could talk easily about anything, enjoy spending time with each other and really felt like you had a deep and intimate connection.
The first thing you need to do is to tune in to your man. Start to pay closer attention to what
he says and his reactions to things you do and say. Sometimes, you may be doing things without even realizing that he is having a problem with it.
If you two are constantly arguing, how do you handle the arguments? Is the tone of your
arguments, or even conversations at this point, filled with anger, accusations and personal attacks? Have you stopped doing nice or thoughtful things for one another? Is your man feeling like things in the relationship are all about you and is feeling like he has to make all the sacrifices? Does everything have to be your way or the highway?
Be brutally honest with yourself about the current health of your relationship. It could be
that he's just going through a phase of being unsure if he's ready for a commitment, or even unsure of his feelings for you. It could be fear of how his life will change or if he feels ready to take care of a wife and eventually, kids.
You need to be able to give him the space he may need during this time to sort out his feelings. If you don't pressure him or back him into a corner with ultimatums or insults, your chances of winning back the intimacy, trust and closeness of your man are a lot more favorable.
Being able to let go of controlling the relationship and his feelings will give you the freedom to sort out your own feelings and decide what is important to you.
By giving him space, you will also be showing him that you have your own interests and life to live, whether or not he chooses to share it with you. That is a very powerful message for him to understand.
By pulling back a bit instead of pushing him for answers or changes in his behavior will give both of you the space and time you need to get through the issues.
When your guy sees that you are not on a mission to change him, pressure him into a commitment or become a soul mate, he may just decide he wants all of these things. There
is nothing that a man loves more than a woman who is independent, supportive and secure enough to get through these relationship rough spots without threats, demands or a meltdown.
Believe it or not, giving him the chance to work through things on his own will help make him realize how much he wants – and needs - a woman like you in his life. How much faster and easier do you think it would be to get his attention and take him off guard than by simply leaving him to get through things on his own?
Showing him your strength and independent side is an important factor as to how to win your boyfriend back, even if he has just left emotionally. You can catch it in the emotional stage before it turns into a physical break up.
One of the key things you can do to regain intimacy is to let him go just enough so he can come back to you.
Only you can answer this question, but before you do, you want to be sure you’re looking at the whole picture in the right way.
Are you making a mistake by waiting for him? It is not a clear, cut and dried question because odds are, you’ve already invested a lot of blood, sweat and tears into the
If you’re wondering if you are just wasting your time, start by doing some serious soul-searching and asking yourself some tough questions.
If you have been in an exclusive relationship for a long period of time, even years in some cases, and there is no indication that things are progressing to a deeper level of commitment, it might be time to figure out whether or not the relationship is worth waiting
There are signs that things may move to the next level like if your guy talks about his future and indicates that you are in it. That is a good sign, but if that's the case, then why don't you have a ring on your finger? What is it that he needs or is waiting for?
Since there is no set amount of time for him to propose, you begin to wonder how long is too long? What is the cut-off date? How long should you be expected to wait?
At some point, these thoughts will cross your mind, especially if you are tired of things the way they are and really ready to get married.
Have you ever talked about the future? About starting a family? About the dream house you'd like to share one day? It can sure be disheartening when you try to delicately bring up these subjects and you are met with stone cold silence or some other kind of bewildered
The last thing you want to do is to make excuses for him or believe on some level that "he doesn't mean it" when he says he's not interested in getting married, or just doesn’t take you seriously when you hint around that you’d like to get married.
It is usually fear that keeps us stuck in habits and places. There is a fear that you've invested so much of your time in this relationship and are afraid to start all over from
scratch. Then the what-if's set in. What if you can’t meet anyone? What if you’re too old to have children if and when you do meet someone? What if you leave and then he decides to get married, but finds someone else? What if he just really doesn’t love you?
This fear is what can keep us from really looking at the current state of the relationship and where it is going in the future.
Now there are things you can do to make him commit without making or forcing him to do anything he doesn't want to do. It's all about your mindset, attitude and actions that will make the difference. Also, having the ability to pick up on what he's really saying, or discovering the pieces of the puzzle that are missing can make understanding this process
Have you ever met a guy who made it very clear that he wanted to get married and start a family? These guys have a mission to accomplish. They are ready, willing and able to settle down immediately if not sooner, and simply need to meet the woman they believe is the one.
My husband was one of those guys. Obviously, I felt a very strong connection to him and just loved spending time with him. He kept asking me to marry him and I would just laugh, thinking that he was kidding, because we had been dating for less than a year. Finally, he asked me again and when I laughed, he made sure I understood that he was serious
To be honest, I really didn't know what to say because it was way too easy. I didn't do anything. I hadn't even been thinking about marriage (for a change). Why was he so determined to get married? How could this be right? Wasn't it supposed to be much harder than that?
That is the difference. When he decides he's ready and you are the one, it will all
naturally fall into place without you having to “make” him do anything.
But if he doesn't feel it, or something is going on with you that makes him unsure about a deeper commitment, is the time when you have to take a look at the relationship and decide what you want. Is there untapped potential that is worth waiting for?
If you don't pick up on his signals or "get" what the hold-up is, then you can expect to
spend a lot more time waiting for him, and becoming increasingly fearful and discouraged.
If you feel like you might be making a mistake by waiting for him, start by trying to take your fears out of it for a minute. Decide what it is that you want and then pay attention to what he's really saying or doing so you can better direct your future. A future complete with a deep, loving commitment
from your man.
In a relationship, there can be a fine line between dependence versus commitment. Is there a difference? You bet there is.
If you are looking for a serious, committed relationship, your dependence on the relationship may be blocking the
commitment from taking place.
When you meet the man that you feel is the one and things are progressing nicely up until a point, could it be your dependence on the relationship and your man that is preventing things from going to a more committed level? In other words, do you live for your man, his needs and above all things, being in the relationship?
If you feel like you can't make a move without your man, you may have become far too dependent on him. If you never see your friends or never do things you used to enjoy doing,
then maybe you've grown too dependent on the relationship. Not that you should go out after work every night or go on trips every weekend with your friends, but there should be a nice mix of independence and commitment to your mate.
Let me tell you that most men really don't like it when women can't seem to make a move or decision without them. Most guys like it when their ladies maintain their own self-identity,
unless he’s completely possessive and jealous, which you don’t need in a relationship anyway.
You know you may be too dependent on the relationship if your fella is always encouraging you to go out and do things with your friends.
You may be too dependent on the relationship if you start to completely freak out if your guy doesn't immediately call or text your back.
If you start to panic when things seem different, or he seems distant, you may be too dependent on your guy.
If you do nothing but talk about you and your man, dwell on your issues or arguments, and just seem to be consumed with your relationship, it may be time to step back.
If you are hurt when your guy wants to do something with his friends or doesn't include you in everything, it's a sign of dependence.
If your guy starts talking about "slowing things down," or "taking a break," and you have a complete meltdown, you are probably too dependent on him.
If your mood is dependent on if you two are getting along or not, you guessed it, it's a sign of dependence.
It is so important that you keep doing things you like to do and keep in touch with your girlfriends. Don’t be afraid to go out and have fun for yourself.
It's not a good idea to revolve your life so completely around someone else because if the relationship ends, you will be devastated or bitter, lose your self-confidence and/or be consumed with the thought of getting that guy back no matter what. This is when you may do or say things you will ultimately regret and in some cases, drive him away even more.
A committed relationship is based on a connection on several levels. It is based on mutual
respect, trust and a genuine love for the other person. Respect, trust and love cannot grow in a dependent relationship because if things are not going just the way you want them to, or your man isn't doing what you want him to be doing, you will constantly be upset and trying to control the situation.
On the other hand, if you have independence, the chance of getting that deep commitment from your man is far more possible.
He knows that you are quite happy doing your own thing. He realizes that you have your own interests and needs. He understands that you don't need him to provide constant attention or reassurance in order for you to get through the day.
A nice balance of keeping your own interests makes you way more appealing to him. He should come to understand that even if the relationship falls apart, you won't, because you
are strong, confident and independent.
Not that you don't need him because in certain ways you do. But just not to the point where all you focus on is him and your relationship.
Remember the differences between dependence and commitment. Check to see if you can become more independent and self-sufficient in certain areas, while remaining faithfully committed to your man.
If you are to the point in your relationship where you feel you may have to issue an ultimatum to know where you stand, be prepared to deal with the fallout when ultimatums backfire.
Issuing an ultimatum is generally not a good idea because things may not go as you would like them to. No one likes to be backed into a corner to make a major life decision within a certain period of time, and most of the time, this can mean the end of your relationship.
Your dilemma may be that you're in what you feel is a committed relationship, but there is no sign of the relationship leading to marriage. If you've been in the relationship for years now with no sign of a deeper, more serious commitment, you may feel frustrated enough to either want a more permanent deal or to find out what your future holds for the two of you.
Be very careful with your next step because you may need to prepare yourself for the relationship to end or never be the same again.
In the best case scenario, you want a deeper commitment to come from your man and have it be his idea. There are things you can do to help this process along, but we can address that in another post.
You should think this through carefully and have a specific plan in place. Don't issue an ultimatum during an argument or when you are angry because you are almost guaranteed bad results.
First, think about the worst case scenario, that being your guy tells you that he won't get married and to “do what you have to do.” Think about how that would make you feel because it's a real possibility it might happen. In this case, you might feel like you've wasted your time on someone who never really loved you in the first place, if he would rather let you go than marry you.
When an ultimatum backfires, you might regret backing him into a corner in the first place, because you really love him and don't want the relationship to end. Now what? You’ve said something to him that you can never take back. Backtracking out of an ultimatum is well, awkward at best.
The bottom line is to imagine what you would do if your man did in fact decide to end the relationship. Are you prepared for that? Where would you go? Are you willing to give up the semi-security of what you know you have in the hopes of finding someone else who is willing to make your relationship a permanent one?
At a recent get-together, my friend and I were being introduced to some people we had never met. The hostess introduced me as "Scott's wife," and then turns to my friend and stammered through her introduction. My friend finally held out her hand and said, "I'm no one's wife."
The problem is that my friend has been together with her man for almost five years. They have lived together and even had a daughter together. Every time I see her, she brings up the fact that she wants to get married so badly, but her guy is not interested in sealing the deal. He even makes jokes about it when he wants to get her to do something for him, he'll say, "If you do this for me, I might propose." She actually breaks down and cries when he does this because she really wants to get married and here he is making jokes about it.
Later in the evening, she was telling me that she doesn't know what to do because it just doesn't look like he'll ever marry her and she is tired of it. I asked her why she didn't start thinking about moving on with her life if he doesn't feel like she's the one, and then she had all kinds of excuses why she couldn't do that. I get that because she does really love him and has her daughter to worry about, but she is becoming increasingly unhappy and that cannot be doing the relationship any good. In reality, I think she is afraid that if she did issue him an ultimatum, it would backfire and the relationship would be over. I don't think she's
willing to run that risk.
If you feel like you are, have a plan in place and be prepared for anything to happen.
When an ultimatum backfires, you might not want the relationship to end so you take back your words, or say you were just joking to see what he would say. If you put an ultimatum
out there, even if you say it in a joking manner, this will register with your man as pressure from you. All kinds of interesting things could happen from that point on, including him
pulling away from you emotionally or treating you differently.
If you issue an ultimatum and then back down and don't follow through on what you say you will do if he doesn't give you a more serious commitment, you will appear like someone who talks tough, but then doesn't take action.
You will give up a lot of leverage in the relationship by backing down and just settling for him calling the shots. He will be in the driver's seat, knowing that you might say you'll leave him if you don't get married, but will then just continue with things the way they are and stay. Your credibility is shot, and your words mean nothing.
It's kind of like having a child and warning your child that if he doesn't do something, he will be grounded for a week. The child doesn't do whatever you asked him to, and then you don't follow through on the punishment. Even a child knows that he has the upper hand here and that with you, even though you talked about a punishment, nothing happened at the end of the day. He will then continue to test those waters and get away with as much as he can because after all, more than likely nothing bad will happen anyway. No consequences to worry about because you really don’t mean what you say.
Again, be prepared to follow through on what you say you're going to do. If you say that you
are going to leave if there isn't a marriage soon, then be prepared to do it. That's why you should tread those ultimatum waters very carefully.
The biggest thing to mull over when an ultimatum backfires is whether you are interested in saving face by following through with what you say you will do, or saving the relationship.
If saving your relationship is priority #1, then you may want to come up with another way to get that serious commitment without ultimatums.
Watch the video here at the How to Make Him Commit website for some better alternatives.
If you have experienced feeling insecure in a relationship, take
heart. Most all couples, at one point or another during their time together, may have experience periods of insecurity.
It can start out innocently enough.
Maybe you notice that your guy is becoming awfully chummy with the new girl at work. Perhaps he's been going out with his friends a little more than usual. He could decide to try a new look, change his hairstyle or suddenly be into some new hobby out of nowhere.
The thing is that life is always changing and that means people change, too. But once in a while, you may just get a nagging feeling that is trying to tell you there is more to it than just growing or changing over time.
You don't want to be completely naive and ignorant about things going on around you, but you don't want to over-react and start accusing your man of cheating or doing something wrong, either.
There are telltale signs of cheating, if you watch for them, but if your imagination gets the better of you, you may be reading a lot more into the situation than is there. Sometimes it can be a very fine line and it's more or less a judgment call until you have solid evidence that something more serious is going on.
Some men tend to flirt a little more than others and maybe that's just his personality.
Haven't you ever encountered an old married couple where the man is winking, telling jokes and flirting while his wife of 50 years is standing right next to him? For some, it's just who they are. They are friendly and enjoy talking to pretty girls. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, unless it becomes more than talking and innocent joking around.
It's far better to sit back and observe. The longer you are in a relationship, the more intimately you know each other.
If he just starts doing things that are completely out of character, or suddenly starts hanging around with a mixed group instead of just his buddies, then you might want to pay a little closer attention. By saying this, I don't mean hire a detective to follow him or check his
phone, go through his wallet, etc. Just pay more attention to the signals he's putting out.
How is your relationship otherwise? Are you getting along? Does he seem distant? Is he acting weird like he doesn't want to spend time with you? Does he get irritated with you when you try to talk to him? Has he ever given you a reason not to trust him?
When your man starts pulling away or becoming distant, it doesn't necessary mean that there's another woman or trouble brewing. You need to remain positive and calm.
The last thing you want to do is accuse him of anything or confront him with what you think is evidence. He'll only be convinced that you’re completely insecure.
The problem is that once you do start feeling insecure, it's like anything he does is confirming your worst fears. Maybe that he met someone else, is already seeing someone else, is no longer interested in you or wants to end the relationship.
Remember that if this is happening, the only thing you can do is keep your eyes and ears open. Let him know that you are there to talk if he wants to, and try to let it go. It is possible to blow things out of proportion if you are thinking the worst case scenario is about to unfold.
Take a deep breath and try to look at things objectively. Why are you feeling insecure? What are you afraid of? What is he doing to make you feel insecure? When you can calmly and objectively ask yourself some questions to try to get to the bottom of your feelings, you may realize that it’s more of an issue with you than something he’s doing.
No one can make you feel insecure without your permission. Maybe you have met this new chick at work and she’s gorgeous, so you are feeling insecure about your looks. There are a million reasons for feeling insecure, and they are usually tied in to the feelings we have about ourselves. I’m too heavy, too old, my hair is too curly and the list goes on and on.
Focus on your strengths. Focus on what makes you feel beautiful. That nagging little voice inside our head can sometimes give us far too many reasons to be insecure with ourselves. Everybody has experienced feelings of insecurity and believe me, the situation will work itself out.
If you can overcome these doubts and issues about feeling insecure in a relationship, especially if your man isn’t big on compliments, the confidence you have will shine through any situation.
How can he not love you for that?
If getting a commitment from your man is all you can think
about, be sure you take the time to think about WHY you are really looking for that commitment.
So you have been in a monogamous relationship for what seems like an eternity with no indication that things are moving forward to a more permanent, marriage-type of relationship.
If this first and foremost on your mind, then it might be a good time to stop and ask yourself why getting a commitment is such a priority for you. Are you looking for a commitment for the right reasons, or are you bending under outside pressure or because you feel you "should" be getting a commitment by now?
If you are in the stage of life where it seems like all of your friends are tying the knot and starting their families, make sure you are not just experiencing some wishful thinking that this should be your life, or you have to keep up with everyone else.
Maybe you are feeling like there's something wrong with you or your situation because everyone else seems to be able to land that commitment and seal the deal. Try to take
your ego out of it, and look at the situation as it really is.
It's important to understand your true motivation for wanting a commitment. If it’s just because everyone else is doing it, or because you want a child right now, or you want
that fairy tale wedding you always dreamed about, be very careful about what you
I know so many women who were so focused on getting married that they were missing some big obvious red flags in the relationship. So many of my friends did whatever they had to do to get their guy to walk down the aisle. This included threats and even "surprise" pregnancies.
Each and every one of my friends who used tactics to force their man's hand are all divorced today because they failed to realize that this may not have been the best choice of husband.
To top it off, it didn't appear that these guys wanted to be husbands to begin with.
I am guilty of this, too. Back when I was 20 years old, I had been dating "Mike" for about a year when he proposed. When he proposed, he made it clear that although he was asking me to marry him; he was not in a hurry about setting the date. I was so excited about becoming engaged, I barely acknowledged what he was saying.
As the months went by and I was anxious to plan the wedding, he would not commit to a date. When I started to push the issue, the less cooperation I was getting.
I worked with his sister and was embarrassed to find out that she was telling everyone behind my back that her brother really didn't want to marry me, but felt forced to go through with it because he had proposed and was now trapped with no way out.
After he did finally agree to a date, he wanted nothing to do with planning the wedding, and would get bored and even irritated with me when I would bring up details or ask him any opinions about the wedding.
My parents went with me to pick out the chapel. My parents went with me to sample the food for the dinner. I handled every detail and he said all he figured he needed to do was to
In retrospect, all of these red flags bothered me, but I stubbornly forged ahead with the wedding thinking that it would just all work out, or I was being too sensitive about his lack of interest in planning our wedding.
On the day of the wedding, someone was videotaping the event. After all was said and done
and things calmed down, I had a chance to sit down and watch the video. What I heard on the tape made my heart sink and a sick feeling grow in my stomach.
Here was my future husband, just about an hour before the ceremony, talking to the groomsmen about what a wild time they had the night before. My future hubby was
talking about meeting the most "gorgeous babe" and too bad he was here today
because maybe they could have hooked up.
Our wedding theme was "today, tomorrow and always," which was inscribed on matchbooks, napkins, the wedding invitations, etc. My future ex-hubby was heard making the comment, "Well, today, tomorrow and for however long it lasts," followed by laughter.
If this is how he was talking on our wedding day, can you imagine how bad this marriage was? To say it was bad would be an understatement. I gave it my best for just shy of 10 years and finally mustered up the courage to tell him I wanted a divorce. I believe I stayed married to him for about 9-1/2 years longer than I should have.
The lesson here is what can happen if you get a commitment for the wrong reasons. If you force the issue through a pregnancy or by turning a blind eye to the obvious red flags in the courtship, the odds of you being happily married are seriously against you. If you are disappointed with his behavior while you are not married, believe me, in most cases marriage makes things even worse.
Maybe it was because I was so young and wanted to be married and start a family so badly. So many people warned me not to marry this guy and to slow down because someone better
for me would come along. I didn't want to wait and I didn't want to listen. I'm really sorry that I didn't. I would have saved myself a lot of tears, heartache and loss of a decade of my life I will never get back.
What I’m asking is for you to please think about your reasons for wanting a commitment and make sure it's for the right reasons.
The right reasons include wanting to spend the rest of your life with this person through the good times and bad. Making sure that you are right for each other in terms of ethics, morals, religion, money matters, etc. The way you will bring out the best in each other rather than everything being a fight or struggle. Not turning a blind eye to his faults, but taking an honest look at them and truly being able to deal with his quirks and issues.
Let me tell you that anything that gets on your nerves while you are dating amplifies 500 times when you have to deal with it every day for the rest of your life. Even little things.
If your man is on 10 sports leagues, make sure he is willing to give up some of that for time for you or a family. A marriage is about give and take, compromise and willing to treat the
other person as you would like to be treated.
When things get serious, talk about everything so there are no surprises when you get married. If you are afraid to talk to him, huge red flag!
My husband went out all the time. His weekends started on Wednesday night after work and ended sometime on Sunday night. When I let him know that he went out way too much and should try staying home more, he said, "Look. Just because I'm married does not mean that my lifestyle is going to change at all. I married you...I did my part. I will go out when I want, whenever I want and there is nothing you can do or say to change that."
You know what? He wasn't kidding. His lifestyle never changed in all of the 10 years we were married. He actually treated me like he did me a favor by marrying me. When we went out together, people would stare at me and say, “Gee…I didn’t think Mike was married.”
This is exactly the kind of thing you want to stay away from. Someone who is not willing
to compromise or meet you half way is someone you want to get away from as fast as you can. Even if you think you love him, do not believe for one second that once you are married he will change. Odds are that he won't, and will go out of his way to prove that you cannot control him.
Remember that marriage isn’t about changing someone or expecting them to change. Most mature adults realize that marriage will mean some changes in their lifestyle, and things are
not going to be the way they were in the single days.
If your mate isn’t willing to change his lifestyle in any way – huge red flag! You shouldn’t have to ask or beg for attention or kindness. If you have to ask to be treated with respect and decency – huge red flag!
I know it’s hard to think about ending a relationship, especially if you get a half-hearted commitment and the guy agrees to get married. Being with anyone that is not going to give you love, support and 100% effort is settling.
These are hard questions to ask and to answer them honestly is even more difficult. Now is not the time to deny those red flags and to do some real soul searching before pursuing a commitment from the wrong man.
Glossing over things or blatantly denying there are things in the relationship that really bother you isn’t going to make the problems go away.
Before moving forward with securing that commitment, do it because it feels right and you can answer honestly in your heart that your man is the one for you, you are not settling, and you are committing to someone for the right reasons.
Someone who can truly appreciate how much better their life is with you.
There are times in all relationships when you begin to wonder if he has lost interest. You just feel it, without really being able to put your finger on what the problem is.
No matter what you try to do or say, he just doesn't seem
interested anymore. He might even not answer your calls or texts for a long while, and you begin to wonder where he is and what he is up to.
Has he met someone else?
Doesn't he want to spend time with me anymore?
Did I do something wrong?
These are common questions and fears at some point in almost every relationship.
The thing is, how do you overcome the problem without making yourself crazy, or letting your imagination take you to places you'd rather not go? How can you feel calm and peaceful, even when you can feel that something is really wrong?
Call it woman’s intuition if you want to, but you can feel the sense of distance between you a mile away. The more you try to ignore it or fix it as best as you know how, the worse it gets. Something inside you is telling you loud and clear that there is something wrong.
Maybe you try to bring it up to your man, but he will usually make you feel like your imagining things or being too sensitive. This is a “deflect attention away,” shift the blame tactic. He might offer excuses such as he's just tired or his mind is on a problem at work.
How do you get him to tell you what's really wrong? How can you reconnect and enjoy the intimacy and closeness you once shared?
Getting angry, defensive or making accusations are not the way to go. If you do those things, it will only make him withdraw further and at a much faster pace.
I understand how hard it is to stand by and feel like you're not doing anything, but this is the time to try to let it go and relax. After all, whatever the issue is, it will come to light in its own
If he doesn't want to talk about it, or maybe doesn't even understand what the problem is, there is nothing you can do to force the issue.
If you rule your reaction or course of action by fear, desperation, neediness or anger, I guarantee you will regret it and suffer the consequences you fear most.
Ask yourself what you are afraid of. What is the worst case scenario?
More than likely, it is the fear that he no longer cares for you or has possibly met someone else. Your fight or flight instincts kick in because you strongly sense the possibility that you are about to get hurt.
Let me remind you that no amount of begging, crying, threatening, stalking or arguing will make him love you more. In fact, all of those things will help him fall out
of love with you in a
You cannot make anyone love you. You cannot make or force anyone to be with you. You cannot force anyone to remain in a relationship if their heart is not into it.
The best course of action when you feel distance developing between you, or he starts acting differently, is to relax.
Bring it up to him gently, just by casually mentioning that he seems distracted lately. Ask him if he wants to talk, or if there's anything you can do to make things better. After that, let it go.
Do not keep bringing it up. Do not keep badgering him to tell you what's going on. When and if he wants to talk, when he's ready, he will come to you and talk. In the meantime, be supportive and upbeat.
If your worst fears are realized and he tells you he wants to break up or decides he needs his space, take heart.
By letting him go, you have a very good chance at winning him back. If he thinks the grass is greener on the other side, let him find out for himself that it usually is not that way at all.
By taking the high road and letting him know you are disappointed but agree that it's probably for the best, you may take him completely off guard. Believe me, if you take the news like someone who is strong and confident, he will remember - just from that moment - what an incredible woman you are.
More than likely, he will think of you a lot more than you realize, and by keeping yourself busy, going out with friends, and letting him see that your life can go on without him and be happy and fulfilling, he may just realize you are worth more than a second look. How awesome would that make you feel?
So if you are wondering has he lost interest
or something else is going on, remember that things are not always as they appear. Feeling distance or going through an actual break in the relationship doesn't have to mean that it's over forever. It might even make it better than before
Some things just go together like salt and pepper, peanut butter and jelly, peas and carrots, men and commitment.
Wait a second. What was that last item?
Why was men and commitment included in a list of things that almost naturally go together?
If you find yourself struggling with getting your man to commit, instead of having it go together like bread and butter, you should know that it doesn't have to be such a struggle.
Do you feel like you have been wasting too much time in a relationship that doesn't seem to be moving forward or going anywhere?
Instead of struggling through this, or having plenty of arguments or not really knowing what the problem is, why not look into the possibility that he’s sending you signals that you are not picking up on.
It could be that he just cannot feel an intimate connection to you. It is quite possible that
there is something that is making him hesitate when thinking about making a commitment in your relationship.
Unless you’re willing to do a little research and try to learn what the issues are, your relationship could go on like this indefinitely. Are you in a position to wait indefinitely until you get a commitment from your man?
Unless you are completely satisfied with a relationship like that, maybe there are ways you could communicate with him better and help him to understand, without a shadow of a doubt, that you are the one.
You should know that if your man is having trouble with a commitment, it probably has more to do with something inside his head, his heart and his gut (or maybe all three) that is causing him to be very unsure and therefore, hesitate in making a serious commitment to the
Granted, if you tend to nag, criticize or treat him badly, these are obvious reasons for really cold feet. But if you are in a decent relationship that just doesn't seem to be moving forward, you begin to wonder what the problem is, and what, if anything you can do to set the wheels in forward motion.
The secret to getting your man serious enough to commit to you is reaching him in his head, heart and right down deep in the gut. If you can accomplish this, you will get him to commit without any struggle whatsoever.
The problem with your relationship may be nothing more than him questioning if he feels totally secure with you for the rest of his life.
How can you reassure him that you are the one?
The biggest way for you to do this is to really recognize and pick up on the clues he may not be able to tell you. Perhaps he doesn't even know what the issue is since he really does love you.
He just needs to know it deep down inside before he can take more serious strides to give a commitment. You can help him know it.
Stop wasting your time trying to figure out what the problems are and guessing at what he’s really thinking. Instead, start doing your research as to what clues and signals he’s giving you that you are not picking up on. Learn to communicate more clearly and effectively.
By all means, take serious steps to end that men and commitment